Monday, September 30, 2019

What Life Events Shaped Me?

I have never felt confident in my own body. 
I have never really looked at myself in a mirror and truly just loved what I saw.
I am definitely working on this part of myself so the future me can just love me!

I think the 4 events that shaped me into the woman I am today are:
- My cousin Marla Faye's suicide in 1993. 
- My cousin Trena's suicide in 1999. 
- Being raped... 
- Getting divorced

Man, the suicides happened within 6 years of each other and boy the emotions you go through when someone you love dies from suicide is insane. You never truly get over that. You just know it happened and you do your best to move on with your life without them in it. After Marla killed herself, I never in my life thought we would go through it a second time. But we did... and we still cry and think of them every single day!

Being raped happened. It was something I could never take back in my life, even though I wish I could. It was awful and one of the worst things that has ever happened to me. And it took years and years to finally get to a place where I could sleep without waking up scared. It took years and years to finally accept it happened and was able to finally move on without it holding me back anymore. Without it causing me anymore hurt or pain. I grew stronger each and every day and promised myself it would NEVER happen again. 

The divorce was hard. It was raw and so real.  I went through every single emotion you can think of during my divorce. There were so many tears and so many nights where I wasn't sure where my life was going. All I knew is that I had a baby girl who was depending on me and I was not going to let her down. The divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me. People think I am being mean to my ex when I say that, but I am not. We were definitely better friends, than being married. We are still friends and we are raising our daughter the best we can. I absolutely adore his wife and their kiddo baby J.

Life happens for a reason. Some of those reasons I do not understand and might never understand, but all of these 4 events in my life shaped me into the woman I am today. 

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